Living In The Tension

I live in constant tension. Between wanting to live by principles and living in reality. Between having a need to create and a need to eat. Between having physical needs and a desire to live beyond the drive to fulfill them. I crave an audience and seek anonymity. Desirous to be art and desirous to be practical.

In constant tension. Desirous for a chance to change the world and in bed with doubt that I can make a difference. With exhilaration one day and despair the next, with no circumstances changed - except for the fact that I’ve shared my heart.

Constant tension. Between wanting to provide value and desirous to let who I am inform what I do. Between knowing that I’m in the right place and doubting that I’m not. In a state of holding firm convictions and being incredibly weak.

Tension. Unknown strength among unparalleled weakness. Beauty amid pain. Living and dying in the same moment.

It's not tension. It is me.

Random Conversations Are More Welcome Than You May Think

In Starbucks today, a barista was putting up a window cling-on sign near the door with updated hours it would be open. I was sitting close to the door and he struck up a conversation with me - "Having all the fun today?"

"What's that?"

"Are you having all the fun today or only a little bit of fun?"

"Eh, a little bit of fun."

"Are you working or in school?" 

"Working." 

"Oh yeah, what are you working on?"

The convo went on. It was a simple gesture but it was also so encouraging. It's the only in-person conversation I had in hours, save for ordering my drink. It's always awkward to try to make conversation with a stranger. It's always risky. You don't know if they're going to blow you off or act too busy to talk. Yet, more often than you think, it can be such a blessing to the person you've pursued with your attention. Connection is what we were made for.

Consider taking off your headphones today when you're on the subway and getting to know the person next to you. You have no idea the difference it can make. 

Thanks for the convo today red-bearded barista. I appreciate it. 

You're No Different From Robin Williams

You are different from him, but not really. You’re a human. You’re prone to incredible lows. Being beaten down by the almost unbearable realities of the world.

But you’re also incredibly talented. Robin Williams-level talented. It’s in there. And the world will be better for it when you let it out. I was running at the gym yesterday, listening to Pandora and Looking Up by Paramore came on. I’ve listened to Paramore for years but didn’t remember this song. And when my endorphins were kicking in, I heard these lines...

God knows the world doesn't need another band..

But what a waste it would've been...

I can't believe we almost hung it up...

We're just getting started

I immediately got choked up. I tried to run the emotion out. But the truth was right there. I’d been feeling like the world doesn’t need another blog and what the heck was I doing thinking that I could contribute or change the world with it. Paramore felt this way - “God knows the world doesn’t need another band” - yet they did it anyway. Because of them sticking it out, I had their music to push me through the last quarter mile of my workout. I had their words to push me to write another post.

Imagine a world that was never graced by Robin William’s talent. If he felt like the world didn’t need another comedian/actor/entertainer then he may have never tried and we would have never known. His legacy is not his end, but his life and what that meant to all of us. We mourn for the loss of Robin because we know that the world has lost so much in losing him. You are just as talented. We can’t be touched by your life, or know what we would lose in you if you don’t let who you are out.